The very reason of writing it down is to discover why do I run and understand what has kept me committed for such a long time (now almost 6 months), coz knowing myself I don’t usually do things for a long time.. I get bored or tired and the motivation level goes down in the course of the activity
Well, my preliminary thesis is that I find running sexy, I like to visualize myself running long and hard in tough conditions… I have seen many images of people though and want to be part of the same.
But can a sense of imagination can make me run consistently for 6 months – all the sweat, pain, tiredness, early morning wake up calls hasn’t been able to deter this.. I am impressed!
So I figured out that this may not be the sole motivating factor for me to continue this… what else?
Well few things come to my mind, which are
a) Read about various people and their constant never-ending affairs with running…those long runs where one is supposedly in state of nirvana, in perfect peace with oneself.. I long for that to happen
I run to remove all the negative thoughts I have in my mind… which have become a constant companion and have taken away my peace and happiness… I have been fighting them for a long time and with some success… thought running would help me to do it more effectively… I do admit that while running I am so focused on my goal and nature; that these thoughts do take up the back seat for few moments. There are moments which makes the body and mind in sync and that’s the moment, where I things begin to look up. Happens rarely though
b) I admit I do try to enjoy the lovely weather, the sky before the dawn and also the entire performance of the sun capturing my part of the globe, the openness around, blah blah….
Please note that I try to enjoy, it doesn’t come naturally to me, coz these things are meant to be felt and relished at, I also do it… my mind is no more attuned to feel relaxed and happy, I try to make it – but again I must admit that running provides me with this opportunity. Sometimes I do catch myself being enamored with these things without putting in effort, but then I check myself.. Hey Amit.. cool, but all other gory details in my life are waiting to take over your thoughts, don’t put them off… Ahhhhhhhh.. I hate this moments
c) Group running and training has played a pivotal role in sustaining it for so long.. seeing other people run better, faster and longer than me does fill me with sense of competition and envy, makes me work slightly harder so that I can reach their levels
Being a super achiever which I think as I am (yeah Amit… Reggie personified) all my running milestones have not impressed me yet… every increase in my milestones (from 3-4km to 21km), I was always dissatisfied.. I should have done better, faster.. I should have been able to complete the same without feeling much pain.. I should have done this, should have done that… come on Amit… take a chill pill – I tell myself at times, but somehow my mind doesn’t agree.. I guess I am afraid to feel happy about my achievements; coz somewhere at the back of my mind I feel that this may backfire and there may be plenty of reasons I will be sad about…
But there are few runs, which I am happy about… in which I have been able to surprise myself by doing speed, which I never thought I could do…
Most importantly – running has re- instilled the fighting spirit in me; I tell myself
“I shall die here but not stop until I finish so and so kilometers…”
“Come one Amit… few more minutes… you will NOT stop”
Think I do manage to keep the promise 90% of the times.
I tell myself… “Boss you have done this from scratch – if you have managed do this, there is nothing impossible on earth for you, you can conquer the earth if you want”. But still the solid iron clad conviction has not come in yet. I need that same conviction in my other areas of life… I need it badly… coz I was like that – I knew I can conquer … BUT right now I am in a flux – in between.
Anyways think I shall continue to run till I get back to my old self – confident with self belief, knowing once more that “I can and I will”
wish u the best of luck for acheiving all the above…i am very very proud of whatever u have acheived till date…but am totally disappointed with myself after reading the same negativity in ur blog which was there a couple of years back too…i have failed probably!
you write very well though!